Sunday, September 4, 2011

The "Real" Fantasy Football

On a recent “guys night out”, I participated in an unorthodox draft session of “Fantasy Football.” Names like Adrian Peterson and Michael Vick were given a single utterence. This can not be said in any other leagues of which I am aware. However, this league is quite different than the ones you can find on ESPN, Yahoo Sports or CBS Sportsline. This league brings back the true definition of fantasy into the realm of fantasy football.

My friend Jake sat in the front seat and asked the question, “Okay, so if you could put together a starting lineup for the greatest fantasy football team ever, and you could pick anyone alive or dead, real or fictional, who would you pick?”

This led to an ongoing conversation of who we would choose for each of our teams. There has been quite a lot of arguing and questions as to what is legal on the field of play. As soon as superpowers were allowed (all except the power of flight), the names of many a fictional character were thrown out in quick succession. Keeping in mind that our league of extraordinary athletes could only fill the standard offensive and leadership positions, it was whittled down quite a bit. My selections consisted of the following:

Head Coach: Professor Charles Xavier- A coaches job is to know what strategy the other team will come up with before they do. This is his specialty. The games against Jean Grey and Magneto will just have to be settled on the field.

Running Back: The Flash- Originally thought of for the wide receive position, but I believe he might have questionable hands. I say, just hand him the ball and let him run with it.

Full Back: Juggernaut- He is the perfect guy to break open a hole in the line for The Flash. And depending on the defensive scheme, he could take on a linebacker to allow my speedy running back a direct line into the secondary for extra yards and possibly even a breakout touchdown.

Wide Receiver #1: Stretch Armstrong- His speed may be suspect, but you can't question his hands. That, and he is made of rubber so injuries would not be an issue. Always a plus.

Wide Receiver #2: Spiderman- Stretch can go across the middle or work the sidelines, so I would need a guy to go up and get one for my team in a 3rd and long situation. Who would be better than a guy who can shoot webs from his wrists?

Tight End: Superman- You need a guy big enough to pick up a blitz from the defensive end, but also someone who can move the chains with nice catch and run in mid yardage situations. A defensive tackle stunt could be his Kryptonite, but luckily I have Professor Xavier to guard against that.

Kicker/Punter: Inspector Gadget- This one took a while to come up with, but eventually I figured out that his ability to extend his legs and arms would be the key. When kicking field goals, he could just plant one of his feet from seven yards behind the line of scrimmage and push it over the crossbar with a flick of his foot. And he could punt the ball deep inside enemy territory with a “Go-go Gadget” and a little backspin. You'd be guaranteed at least three points for every offensive possession or at the very least, be able to put your opponent in terrible starting field position.

And finally...

Quarterback: Peyton Manning- Never underestimate your field general's IQ and understanding of the two minute drill. Mr. Neo Anderson can learn how to fly a helicopter in a matter of seconds, but the West Coast Offense takes years to perfect.

Update:  With Peyton possibly out for the season, I have chosen Bullseye as his replacement.  He comes highly recommended by Aaron Teare and some random guy at Mi Pueblo mexican restaurant.  You can't beat a guy who is known for hitting any target with deadeye accuracy.  Even though he doesn't have a "Laser-Rocket Arm" like Peyton's.

This is the team I chose. Now, post your ultimate “fantasy team” and subsequent explanations in the comment section below. I'm not sure there is a better team out there, but I challenge you to come up with one. Send this link to your nerdiest, comic book-loving friends and ask them to do the same. Maybe we'll set up a vote and see who truly is the “fantasy” football king. Your move hot shot!


  1. I don't know if it would be considered a 'better' team, more like one with a cast of characters that would be able to rival each individual.

    1.Coach- The Joker. Perceived to be so psychotic that even he doesn't know what he's going to do next. So good luck reading his mind effectively.

    2.Marv from Home Alone- In the 2nd film, he wrapped his hands in tape and called himself the 'Sticky Bandit'. He's not dropping the ball.

    3.Full Back- Colossus. Technically stronger than Juggernaut and requires no food, water or oxygen when in his armored form.

    4. Mr. Fantastic. He can maintain his stretched and contorted shape for any amount of time necessary, while Stretch will immediately return to his shape and can only extend to certain lengths.

    5.Nightcrawler- self explanatory.

    6.Tight End- Batman. He's big, strong, agile and good with his hands.

    7.Bulls Eye- the ability to throw virtually any object incredible accuracy, i imagine that would be the same for his feet.

    8. Dan Marino- The greatest QB to never win a championship. With this dream team, he can finally get that ring he always wanted!

  2. QB - John Wilkes Booth
    WR1 - Abe Lincoln (Booth's favorite target)
    WR2 - daredevil
    RB - wolverine
    FB - Sentinel
    TE - Kellen Winslow, Jr he is a warrior/mercenary
    K - the six million dollar man