He was just a random guy amongst a gaggle of nondescript revelers, but his voice seemed to rise above the din. His ribbed tank top and cut off jean shorts did not represent the visionary that was enveloped by such blue collar attire. A can of domestic beer dripped with condensation in his hand, until he wiped it dry and finished it off with a few powerful gulps. He was quite impressed with himself as he turned to his friend and began a conversation.
He said in a thick southern drawl, “Hey man, look at all these chicks out here. They are running, jumping and climbing all over each other. And for what, some plastic beads?”
His friend replied (in a similar drawl), “Yeah, so.”
He continued, “C'mon man, think about it. You know how they act when they go up to Tampa for Gasparilla or to New Orleans for Mardi Gras. They lose their fucking minds!”
His friend still was not gathering the bread crumbs he was laying down for him to follow, “Yeah. And?”
He got to his point and shouted, “Listen man, girls will flock to wherever there are strings of beads. It's like lady catnip for them. 'Cept they don't bat at like a ball of yarn or ask politely for you to throw them in their direction. There is one international signal for 'throw me some beads.' And that signal is flashing their tits. We need to get some beads, man.”
His friend was finally on the same page, and agreed, “Yeah man, we need to get us some beads.”
Through a semi-toothy grin he concluded, “We need to get us a whole truckload of beads, man. And we can see all the tits we could ever want to see. We can rule the fucking world!”
On the surface, this was a funny situation. But when I thought about his conclusion that he could “rule the world”, I realized that maybe he had bigger plans than just getting a free peep show on the streets of Bradenton, Tampa or New Orleans. Did he actually have a plan for world domination, and the procurement of a truckload of multicolored plastic beads was just the beginning? I think I know what his full diabolical design really entailed.
I imagined our blue collar protagonist at the public library, hunched over at one of the internet stations, hard at work on researching how he could get his callus-covered hands on the mother load of beads. How many could he buy them on his working man's paycheck, and how many would it actually take to make his dream a reality?
After researching numerous financial transactions and world demographics on the internet station, he would take to writing his magnum opus. It would turn into more of a manifesto when he was done. It would read like this:
“On this day, Sunday May 1st, 2011; I will begin my quest to deliver this world from the evil tyrants and the no good bourgeois aristocrats that have their manicured hands wrapped around the throats of the masses. My plans to take over will not include death, destruction or any other war-like means. I have but one weapon in my arsenal, and one dead-eye arrow in my quiver. That weapon is a strand of plastic beads. At $17.95 per case, and with 720 in each case, I will unleash my plan to gain their allegiance. My target demographic will be women aged 15-64 (this is a three year plan, so don't worry about the underage factor). I believe they will be the most susceptible to my ploy. Based on my research at the Bradenton Public Library and websites such as http://www.indexmundi.com/, that would include 4,422,699,018 people. My goal now is to raise the $54,544,020.62 that will be needed to buy one strand of shiny multicolored plastic parade beads for every woman in that target demographic (plus another $3-4 million for taxes).
On my salary, that could take several lifetimes to earn. However, I do believe in the collective effort of the few, and the few I would bring into my circle of dominance would be a trusted agglomeration. We are the real masons, the men who work with our hands every day to build the houses you take for granted. We are the hired group of laboring men who tirelessly slave over hot tar and asphalt to construct the roads on which you drive your over priced cars. We are the blue collared workforce, and we will be a force to be reckoned with indeed. We shall pool our savings, and invest our hard earned wages into something that will shake the very foundation upon which the world has so feebly been built. We will transform ourselves from the forgotten faces of the lower and middle classes into the newly formed Blue Collar Aristocracy. And we will bathe ourselves nightly in the irony of that accomplishment.
I know what you may be thinking. What about the other half of the world's population? Well, just as the plastic beads are the entryway into the psyche of a woman's mind and the opening of their respective blouses; the male psyche is equally as easy to unlock. With the promise of an ongoing orgy of flashing breasts on every thoroughfare, and the threat of ceasing the very same flood of flesh; we can control the minds and allegiances of every man. My plan is essentially to kill two birds with one string of beads.
Those who are not in my target age group, I say to you, fear not. I have something in store for you as well, and it does not digress from the same plan I have for the “chosen” groups. Boys aged 0-14, you will either be too young to appreciate the flesh-fest or equally as enamored as your older male counterparts. To that, I say, “you're welcome.” To the girls aged 0-14, I say, learn from your older sisters, mothers, aunts and ripe-aged grandmothers and prepare for the subsequent waves of future bead offerings. You too will be welcomed into the fray once you're old enough.
To the men aged 65 and older, you will obviously be welcome to enjoy the view, and your influence is equally as targeted. But unfortunately this plan will be years in the making, and your time on this earth is limited. To the women aged 65 and older, please keep your blouses closed and your mouths shut. Your day has passed, but your participation could be utilized in other ways. I'm sure we could use some feebly knitted sweaters or adorably worded pillow shams.
I have already combed my plan for any other flaws, and one that came up was the homosexual population of the world. Whether your existence is by birth or by choice, I care not. You are as welcome as any other living human on this earth. After much research on your tendencies and preferences, I have determined you will also be a righteous target for my ploy. Gay men, you are quite possibly as much of a fan of the female form in its natural state as any heterosexual man. You may even prove to be a worthy partner in the “greasing of the wheels.” I look forward to our cross-cultural partnership. To the lesbians of the world, your preference to view rather than to participate can only be a cost savings to the movement. For every woman who can be swayed without the need to purchase another string of beads, I will save 2.5 cents. And for that, I thank you.
In closing, my plan is as simple as it is ingenious. Fear not, I will not abuse my power. Utopia is but a string of plastic beads away. As the leader of the collaborative movement of the Blue Collar Aristocrats, I promise you three things:
- As of 2014, there will string of beads for every woman aged 18-67.
- Once we have obtained world domination; each man, woman and child will be free from the bourgeois prison that they have come to hate, and will be welcome to share in the wealth we will have amassed as a blue collar collaborative. There will no longer be rich and poor, privileged and underprivileged, or first world and third world. No, we will all be equal, and the world can be a place full of happiness, free from war and strife. United under the premise of equality and peace.
- And finally, by the time we have attained our role of the leaders of the world, we will have figured out how to do the 2nd thing. I promise.”
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