Monday, July 23, 2012

Foil Hat Bucket List

Sometimes when you go for a walk with the sole purpose of finding something to write about, you end up stumbling over pure gold. Other times, you end up stepping on a piece of aluminum foil. This particular stroll consisted of a three or four mile jaunt from my house to the waterfront area along the Manatee River. I needed some time to gather my thoughts and look for some inspiration. It came in the form of a wrinkled up piece of paper underneath what could only be described as a foil hat. I stopped to observe the now crushed, but formerly cone-shaped metallic crazy-cap. It was only upon further inspection that I exposed the following list of assorted ramblings.  It was the bucket list of a deranged individual to whom I am now eternally grateful. Please do enjoy the awesomeness that I uncovered.

Things to do before I die:
  1. Throw an eye patch party, invite a Cyclops, and play pin the tail on the donkey.
  2. Start a four-piece fart band and book a gig at a Mexican restaurant.
  3. Take a group of senior citizens to an underwater hideaway, and feed them prune juice intravenously.
  4. Invite Sasquatch to a State Dinner at the White House, and sell the movie rights to Dreamworks with a stipulation that Robin Williams plays the role of a sassy Michelle Obama.
  5. Dress up like a Hacidic Jew rapper, book a music gig on the Sabbath, and just stand on stage staring at my watch until 12:01 am.
  6. Invent a new form of dance that consists only of a series of convulsions followed by considerable amount of drooling.
  7. Give all my current friends the nickname “Jeff”, and only establish new friendships with people already named Jeff.
  8. Propose a bill in Congress to make bacon the official food of every state in the nation. Then buy the world's largest pig farm and quickly learn what comes after Trillionaire.
  9. Distribute magnetic lawn gnomes strategically throughout the country, and activate them on my birthday every year to change the tides in my honor.
  10. Pit Lady Gaga against Madonna in a death match for ultimate weird-whorry greatness. Provide the winner with a lifetime supply of flesh-eating bacteria and spider bites.
  11. Convince all my friends to burn all of their possessions in a bonfire at my house; except the bonfire is a 3-D hologram. Yay, free stuff!
  12. Impromptu jug band competition at a strip club on amateur night, but first learn how to play 'Hot for Teacher' on a washboard.
  13. Have a cookout where I provide giant servings of food, but the only utensils will be cocktail forks and toothpicks.
  14. Build a cabinet out of groceries, and stock it with different samples of wood and granite.
  15. Organize a charity marathon run that consists of 17,292 laps around an eight foot round track. Then donate all the proceeds to Vertigo research.
In honor of this momentous occasion, please feel free to add your most random “foil hat bucket list” inspired entries in the comment section below.  The author of my favorite entry will receive a significant prize (Hint: the prize will probably be a foil hat and a high five).