Saturday, March 26, 2011

200 Jesuses

"I need 200 Jesuses, and I don't want to pay a God awful price for them." This was what I heard while standing in a flower shop yesterday. It was strangely offensive, while also being extremely funny. It was one of those things that you here and it just won't stop echoing in your mind. Firstly, I have never heard of Jesus referred to in the plural. I haven't spent much time around construction sites, and I guess that is why. Unfortunately, one blasphemous turn deserved another. She may have not meant anything sacrilegious by her remark, but I can't help but ascertain what she could have been talking about.

I have thought about that woman's comment so long that its possible intended meaning of "I would like to purchase 200 Jesus figurines at a reasonable price" has ceased to exist for me. Now, I just see an assembly line at Son of God Enterprises spitting out Jesus after Jesus. Sometimes I see them as being clones taking from the DNA found on the actual Shroud of Turin. Sort of a Jurassic Jesus type of thing. Other times, I see thousands of Jesus action figures rolling off the lines complete with Kung Fu grip. I doubt it says anywhere in the Bible "Thou shalt not worship low priced replicas of the only Son of God." How could the big man upstairs have foreseen such an occurrence? I know he is all knowing, but it is also said the Pope was infallible (see Pius XII and the Holocaust). Yes, he did say "You shall make no graven image or any likeness of anything in heaven or earth, nor bow down to any such thing" but can that really be taken seriously when there is money to be made on Jesus Joe "The Real Jerusalem Hero"?

It has given me great pleasure and caused me much mental anguish to think about the thought process of bartering for a lower price on such a treasured item as a Jesus clone. I could only imagine what would happen if someone had to create the Muhammad counterpart so he could complete the set of Religious icons (each sold seperately of course). You would have a worldwide outrage spreading from Tulsa to Taipei. Would Vishnu have four moveable arms that could give the Vulcan death grip to four non-believers at once. This particular religious icon of nonviolence could be imagined causing the collapse of his unworthy opponent by pinching the nerve in their neck with Godlike precision. Could the Buddha action figure teach the Eightfold Path and fight injustice with his "Rapier of Enlightenment”? These are all the possibilities that were opened with this off the cuff remark. Personally, I would be the first one in line for the special edition Jehovah action figure. He wouldn't be cheap, but I would stand in line just to soak in the irony.

How can you put a price on piety? Even further what mind set must you be in to refer to the set price as "God awful"? The wrinkled old shop keeper that uttered the phrase has brought me to tears of laughter in the confines of my mind, and given me hours of trying times to sit and ponder the ramifications of such a comment. I am not a religious man, and I wouldn't call myself spiritual either. I despise the false worshipers, and I can't really understand the "born again" process. I stand by the "Be a decent person, and I don't kill anyone in the process" doctrine. I doubt that God would smite those that are just trying to make a buck, and welcome some asshole that decided one day after eating lunch on death row chose to accept Jesus Christ as his personal Lord and savior. I would like to think that both the Jesus selling shopkeeper and I will do just fine if the rapture comes. As long as I don't get a room next to some Bible thumping Baptist who thinks the Pet Shop Boys are "Super Cool."

Hell might be a better place in terms of music though. I bet all those people that committed suicide or died of drug overdoses are down there. I can only imagine the sounds of Jimi Hendrix, Kurt Cobain, and Bradley Nowell filling the fiery air every morning as I prepared for my morning sodomy. I realize that I have digressed, but that is what such pondering does to me. That one line will forever be etched in my brain, and for that, I thank her. How often do you fall upon such a wealth of opportunity for contemplation? For me, at least so far, once.

These situations and others that I have drummed up in my mind came from the simple turning of a blasphemed phrase by an old woman and her affinity of all things Jesus. Yes, I have a strange imagination, but for Christ's sake what was she thinking?

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