I have a voice, and I have two ears. My voice is outnumbered two to one, so it is a clear underdog in this fight. Luckily, I have found a way to take what my two ears take in and add my two cents. Now the sum has risen to five. I better stop before this gets beyond ten, because it is cold in this room and I don't want to remove my socks.
I have been doing more traveling recently, and one thing I have noticed is that there are a lot of great conversations happening in this country. Unfortunately, I am only able to pick up a snippet here or an anecdote there. Things like "so I'm at this girl's house and I'm covered in macaroni and cheese" or "I can not believe I spent $10,000 on nipple rings." At first I found myself saddened by the lack of a punchline or summation, but later I embraced these slivers of conversation as a window to my own imagination. It was not until recently that I realized how many times I had been a 3rd party witness to such epic conversations. I found myself telling other people about these stories to which I had been a momentary witness. But when they asked me how those stories continued, I looked at them blankly. And when they prodded me for the conclusions, I was left speechless. It was either stop telling these stories for fear of being called a liar or a tease, or just make up the additional details myself. I will never stop telling stories, so I stand here before you (not literally, I'm actually sitting right now) a man on a literary mission. As God, Allah, Yahweh, and the FSM are my witness I will bring you these stories in all their semi-biographical but mostly fictional glory.
I have had these one-liners saved on my girlfriend's (and subsequently my wife's) voice mail for over two years now. I have saved some of them on my Blackberry in voice memos and notepads. I have Post-It notes from work pressed neatly in a steno pad, and I have even saved a few MySpace blogs and Facebook notes on my Netbook for safe keeping. I eventually asked myself, why am I saving these? Well, the answer is this. I was waiting for the right time and the right arena to release these 3rd person gems. I finally decided one night (tonight) after contemplating hara-kiri, that I was no longer going to wait for my destiny to pass me by. Like the great stock tip I received and discounted as nonsense, or the great novelty car accesory idea I had and did not patent. 50 Cent's freewheeling Tweets will not ruin my chance to buy this stock at 5 cents and sell at 45 cents in a week's time, nor will the proprietor of Carstaches.com swoop in and market my own idea right under my nose. No sir (or ma'am), the Diary of a 3rd Person is my idea, and nobody will profit from its mega-success but me. Except possibly for my friend Karl, as he was a partial inspiration to the name but he will never get more than 5%. My uncle is a very successful lawyer, and despite him being short in stature, he is indeed quite intimidating.
I hope you all will enjoy reading these fabrications of missing information as much as I plan on enjoying the process of writing them. You will hear the endings to all those snippets, one-liners, and anecdotes that I have backlogged over the last few years of my travels just as soon as I make them up. My goal is to post a weekly update. If you have a chance encounter with one of these morsels of conversation, and think it deserves an ending, send it to me and I will create a story for you. It will be like one of those "choose your own adventure" books, except it will be better and only I will be making the choices.