Sunday, January 16, 2011

Fisher Price, my first Blog

       I have a voice, and I have two ears.  My voice is outnumbered two to one, so it is a clear underdog in this fight.  Luckily, I have found a way to take what my two ears take in and add my two cents.  Now the sum has risen to five.  I better stop before this gets beyond ten, because it is cold in this room and I don't want to remove my socks. 

       I have been doing more traveling recently, and one thing I have noticed is that there are a lot of great conversations happening in this country.  Unfortunately, I am only able to pick up a snippet here or an anecdote there.  Things like "so I'm at this girl's house and I'm covered in macaroni and cheese" or "I can not believe I spent $10,000 on nipple rings."  At first I found myself saddened by the lack of a punchline or summation, but later I embraced these slivers of conversation as a window to my own imagination.  It was not until recently that I realized how many times I had been a 3rd party witness to such epic conversations.  I found myself telling other people about these stories to which I had been a momentary witness.  But when they asked me how those stories continued, I looked at them blankly.  And when they prodded me for the conclusions, I was left speechless.  It was either stop telling these stories for fear of being called a liar or a tease, or just make up the additional details myself.  I will never stop telling stories, so I stand here before you (not literally, I'm actually sitting right now) a man on a literary mission.  As God, Allah, Yahweh, and the FSM are my witness I will bring you these stories in all their semi-biographical but mostly fictional glory.

       I have had these one-liners saved on my girlfriend's (and subsequently my wife's) voice mail for over two years now.  I have saved some of them on my Blackberry in voice memos and notepads.  I have Post-It notes from work pressed neatly in a steno pad, and I have even saved a few MySpace blogs and Facebook notes on my Netbook for safe keeping.  I eventually asked myself, why am I saving these?  Well, the answer is this.  I was waiting for the right time and the right arena to release these 3rd person gems.  I finally decided one night (tonight) after contemplating hara-kiri, that I was no longer going to wait for my destiny to pass me by.  Like the great stock tip I received and discounted as nonsense, or the great novelty car accesory idea I had and did not patent.  50 Cent's freewheeling Tweets will not ruin my chance to buy this stock at 5 cents and sell at 45 cents in a week's time, nor will the proprietor of swoop in and market my own idea right under my nose.  No sir (or ma'am), the Diary of a 3rd Person is my idea, and nobody will profit from its mega-success but me.  Except possibly for my friend Karl, as he was a partial inspiration to the name but he will never get more than 5%. My uncle is a very successful lawyer, and despite him being short in stature, he is indeed quite intimidating.

       I hope you all will enjoy reading these fabrications of missing information as much as I plan on enjoying the process of writing them.  You will hear the endings to all those snippets, one-liners, and anecdotes that I have backlogged over the last few years of my travels just as soon as I make them up.  My goal is to post a weekly update.  If you have a chance encounter with one of these morsels of conversation, and think it deserves an ending, send it to me and I will create a story for you.  It will be like one of those "choose your own adventure" books, except it will be better and only I will be making the choices.


  1. How clever! You know how I love a literary series. Can't wait for the next one.

  2. ha! i thought the "third person" meant your birth order! good stuff bro!