The Republican Candidates: Jesus is Not on the Ballot

I was driving to work earlier this week, and I was listening to NPR as I always do, and I heard the most wonderful quote from Brian Fisher, the director of issue analysis at the American Family Association (a.k.a. AFA, a.k.a. kinda creepy right-wing religious group). He was speaking about the current crop of GOP presidential hopefuls. He started off with a rather simple statement, saying, “There is no perfect candidate.” And had he left it at that, most of us would have agreed, and then been on our merry ways to work, or the unemployment line, or to Occupy Wall Street. But no, Mr. Fisher followed it up with, “Jesus Christ is not on the ballot.”

You're right Bry-Bry, he's not. The remaining figures are a Mormon businessman, a Pudgy former Speaker of the House, Ross Perot on (legalized) crack, and then a few other lackeys that haven't quite realized that the jig is up. Jesus is surely missing, but what if he wasn't? That got me to thinking.

What if Jesus wanted to run for President? Well, first off, he couldn't. Jesus was born outside of the United States. Alexander Hamilton had to settle for Secretary of the Treasury, so why should Jesus be any different? But his dad is all knowing and all seeing, so I'm sure he could get that part of the Constitution changed without much effort. Hell, people were clamoring to change it to let Governor Schwarzenegger take a shot at it. How could not they let the son of God have a go?

Actual legal roadblocks aside, the thought of it was so interesting that I had to pursue the line of reasoning. Besides, when have the Republicans ever let the Constitution dictate their actions. Oh, I also think I skipped the part where Jesus is obviously a Republican. Not because they are a party of righteous individuals, or even the most devout (they are). No, it is only because he could never win in the Democratic Party. They have their Messiah, and he is that big-eared guy with the funny name, who is already in the White House. He shouted from the podium, “Yes, we can!” and “Change we can believe in.” His flock shouted loud and proud then, and pride is a tough thing to swallow in four years time. If Yahweh Jr. wanted his way, he'd have to do it through the GOP.

Now, there are also a few other roadblocks that Jesus would encounter during his campaign, and most of it would come from his opponents. No matter how great a candidate really is, his opponents (and their Super PACs) will find some way to try and knock him off his pedestal. Here is a short list of targets his GOP rivals would have in their neatly parted crosshairs.

1. Jesus was a Jew: there has never been a Jewish President before, and only the Mormon would let that detail slide.
2. Jesus was kind of a hippie: Love thy neighbor? Even if that neighbor wants to just walk over your unprotected border, steal the job your not willing to do, and pay the taxes your not willing to pay. I don't think so, Jesus!
3. He's kind of preachy: Not Falwell preachy, but pretty God damn preachy.

There are also a slew of reasons why he would be a great President, but those would get washed away in the tidal wave of negative campaign ads. They are still worth noting.

1. Jesus was the son of a carpenter: Not Richard or Karen Carpenter, but a good old-fashioned blue tunic-ed carpenter. Kind of like Joe the plumber, but with a more powerful father.
2. Jesus was a man of the people: Although the people in his day would follow just about anyone who had a good enough story to back up their crazy talk, his rhetoric was Biblical! Kind of like Ron Paul's.
3. Who else could quote scripture in 1^st person? Nobody, that's who. The evangelicals would eat that shit up.

Unfortunately, Jesus could never be President of the United States, or even Governor of any state. He is far too controversial, and a polarizing figure. Those people never get elected. No, it is always some white-washed candidate who is just palatable enough to the independents to get enough votes outside of their already fervent and devoted base that gets elected. Jesus would have about as much chance to change the world in his time as, well, Jesus V1.0. Do you remember the first time he tried to speak out and get people to follow him? Yeah, how did that work out? At least after he washed out of the GOP primary, he could get a book deal or tour the world giving lectures at $25,000 an appearance. That is much better than baking in the sun for nine hours or so, and then coming back to life only to be replaced by a giant candy-delivering bunny.

U.S. Presidential Slogans: According to D3P

I learned a lot while preparing this list, and researching all the past American Presidential campaigns. After spending too much time looking through archived documents and presidential biographies, I learned that official campaign slogans were not even used until William Henry Harrison and John Tyler came up with theirs in 1840. I also learned what the issues of their eras were (expansionism, reconstruction, economic decline and recovery, etc). Finally, I learned that since the dawn of American elections, they have never really changed much. A catchy slogan and a little pointed jab at their opponent has been an effective norm in American politics. You will find the actual political slogans used in each campaign since 1840 in the list below, and you will also find a D3P suggestion. Some of which have some of that 20/20 hindsight, but most of all, I think they supply a little self-deprecation. And I think we might need a little of that after over 170 of self-aggrandizing and oversimplifying politics. Enjoy!

William Henry Harrison/John Tyler:

1^st Choice: Tippecanoe and Tyler Too.

2^nd Choice: Fall Over in a Kayak and some guy named John As Well.

James K. Polk/George M. Dallas:

1^st Choice: 54-40 or Fight!

2^nd Choice: We've got dibs on Oregon, and a lot of guns.

Zachary Taylor/Millard Fillmore:

1^st Choice: For President of the People

2^nd Choice: We are in favor of those who are anti-against you.

Franklin Pierce/William King:

1^st Choice: We Polked you in '44, We shall Pierce you in '52.

2^nd Choice: Voters just want to have pun.

James Buchanan/John C. Breckinridge:

1^st Choice: N/A

2^nd Choice: Slavery is for the birds. Well, them and white landowners.

Abraham Lincoln/Hannibal Hamlin:

1^st Choice: Vote yourself a farm

2^nd Choice: We plan to buy the farm, do you want in?

Ulysses S Grant/Schuyler Colfax:

1^st Choice: Vote as you shot.

2^nd Choice: A beard you can believe in.

Rutherford B. Hayes/William Wheeler:

1^st Choice: The patriots choice.

2^nd Choice: Hester Prynne got what she deserved! I'm just sayin'.

James A. Garfield/Chester Arthur:

1^st Choice: Let us have peace.

2^nd Choice: Lasagna on the rocks.

Grover Cleveland/Adlai Stevenson:

1^st Choice: Blaine, Blaine...Continental liar from the state of Maine.

2^nd Choice: Cleveland rocks!

William McKinley/Garret Hobart:

1^st Choice: Patriotism, protection, and prosperity.

2^nd Choice: America, assistance, and alliterations.

Theodore Roosevelt/Charles Fairbanks:

1^st Choice: A square deal for every man.

2^nd Choice: I'm going to shoot something, don't make it you.

William Howard Taft/James Sherman:

1^st Choice: Shall the people rule?

2^nd Choice: Obesity for the masses.

Woodrow Wilson/Thomas Marshall:

1^st Choice: He kept us out of war.

2^nd Choice: You know you've got a woody for Woodrow

Warren G. Harding/Calvin Coolidge:

1^st Choice: Cox and cocktails.

2^nd Choice: You just had a Woody for 8 Years, try Harding

Calvin Coolidge/Charles Dawes:

1^st Choice: Keep cool with Coolidge.

2^nd Choice: Shh, you won't like him if he hasn't had his nap.

Herbert Hoover/Charles Curtis:

1^st Choice: A chicken in every pot and a car in every garage.

2^nd Choice: I really hope we don't all end up living in cardboard boxes.

Franklin D. Roosevelt/John Nance Garner:

1^st Choice: Kick out depression with a Democratic vote.

2^nd Choice: My legs don't work, but I'll make sure you do.

Harry S. Truman/Alben Barkley:

1^st Choice: I'm just wild about Harry.

2^nd Choice: Harry is the BOMB!

Dwight D. Eisenhower/Richard Nixon:

1^st Choice: I like Ike!

2^nd Choice: I need a cigarette and a shower, because I love Eisenhower.

John F. Kennedy/Lyndon Baines Johnson:

1^st Choice: Let's get America moving again.

2^nd Choice: Back and to the Left of Conservatism.

Lyndon Baines Johnson/Hubert Humphrey:

1^st Choice: All the way with LBJ.

2^nd Choice: Vote for me, and you'll be fellated.

Richard Nixon/Spiro Agnew:

1^st Choice: Nixon's the One!

2^nd Choice: This administration may be recorded for quality assurance purposes

Gerald Ford/Nelson Rockefeller:

1^st Choice: He's making us proud again.

2^nd Choice: I'm seriously not a crook, I promise.

Jimmy Carter/Walter Mondale:

1^st Choice: Not just peanuts.

2^nd Choice: All I want for this country is my two front teeth.

Ronald Reagan/George Bush:

1^st Choice: It's morning again in America.

2^nd Choice: All in all it's another sledgehammer on that wall.

George Bush/Dan Quayle:

1^st Choice: Read my lips: no new taxes.

2^nd Choice: You say tomato, we misspell potatoe

Bill Clinton/Al Gore:

1^st Choice: Putting people first.

2^nd Choice: Putting people first... especially her.

George W. Bush/Dick Cheney:

1^st Choice: Leave no child behind.

2^nd Choice: These are the Droids you're looking for.

Barack Obama/Joe Biden:

1^st Choice: Change we can believe in.

2^nd Choice: Ebony and Irony

I hope you enjoyed your little trip through history with my twist of humor. Most of all, I hope you stopped at least once or twice to Google a reference or two. If you have a different suggestion, and want to see it proudly displayed above, post it in the comments below.

If you really enjoyed this list and want to learn more. Please feel free to read a book that has provided me with a lot of knowledge and fodder for this list. It is called “Secret Lives of U.S. Presidents” by Cormac O'Brien (http://www.amazon.com/dp/B000HT21EM/). 

 You can also learn more at http://www.presidentsusa.net and http://www.4president.org/.