Canadian Tarzans

The battle between proponents of the Keystone XL pipeline and the environmental protestors rages on.  The issue at hand is whether or not to build a pipeline from Canada across the border and through Montana, North Dakota, South Dakota, Nebraska, Oklahoma and Texas.  The process of converting the oil rich sands into usable fuel is said to require more energy than conventional crude oil processes.  That being said, I really don’t care about all that.  Daryl Hannah cares enough for the both of us (Thanks Daryl!).

What I care about is what pictures come to mind when I hear people on the news saying “Canadian tar sands.”  Say it out loud, and then continue reading when your audible giggles and/or guffaws have subsided (feel free to LOL as well; if that’s your thing).

I spent the better part of 45 minutes on my drive in to work listening to the debate about this extremely important and politically charged environmental issue.  Unfortunately, my mind was filled with the zany antics of a Canadian Ape-man clad in a Maple leaf loincloth and donning some serious hockey-hair (a.k.a. a Mullet).  He would be seen swinging in between buildings in Toronto like a Canadian Spiderman, and occasionally would drop in on unsuspecting Hosers, only to steal a banana and then scurry off with his knuckles nearly dragging on the pavement. 

What else would a Canadian Tarzan do?  I guess he could become a superhero of sorts.  Perhaps he would fight for justice and the Canadian way!  Over the next couple of days, I continued to do more research on the subject of the Keystone XL pipeline and the political squabble that was bleeding across borders and around the world.  It was only after I came across an article in Friday’s issue of the Canada Free Press that I realized what my amalgamation of reality and oronym would be crusading against (I also learned the definition of the word “oronym”).

Well, Canadian Tarzan would most certainly hear through the tree-vine that Chiquita Brands International, Inc had announced their intention to halt the use of Canadian oil in any of their ground trucking transportation. This has caused an uproar across Canada and beyond.  So much so, that Chiquita would be the target for many a malicious retort.  The skeletons in their closet would be taken out and pasted on headlines.  Up to and including their guilty plea to one count of making payments to a designated terrorist organization in Columbia (just to clarify; those are guerillas, not gorillas). 

Once someone was able to convey the weight of that message to Canadian Tarzan through a series of grunts and hand signals, he would take direct offense to it.  His action would be swift and simple.  Knowing full well the powerful journalists at Canada Free Press were providing the scoop and the members of Canadian Parliament were dishing out the strong rhetoric (e.g. “C’mon, eh?), Canadian Tarzan could make a difference more directly.

He would join forces with his trusty Chimp-sidekick Cheetah to roam the North American countryside throwing feces at any 18-wheeled vehicle he suspected could contain Chiquita brand bananas.  The irony of throwing feces predominantly made up of digested bananas would be lost on both of them.  The symbolism of their weapon of choice being a locally produced and naturally polluted form of something that was easily obtained from an evil foreign entity would be lost on me (until now).  Irony and symbolism aside, the duo would not stop until they brought Chiquita down to their knees, and forced them see the error of their ways. They would do so, one handful of high-potassium feces at a time.

It would take over 15 months to win their crusade against Chiquita, and would ultimately end in the corporation issuing a public statement that explained their stance on Canadian oil.  The press release would clarify that Chiquita was not boycotting or banning Canadian oil, but they were maintain their course to find ways to be more environmentally responsible and reduce their carbon footprint.  The words flowed eloquently from the page, but would not be fully comprehended by Canadian Tarzan or Cheetah. Luckily, they had found their way into Texas on their southward journey, and were now just as informed on the issue of the Canadian oil industry and the Keystone XL pipeline as most of the people it was going to directly effect if the application was eventually approved. 

If that was ever to change, someone would need to bail Daryl Hannah out of jail, and fly her down to Texas. She would be the perfect person to go down there and help explain it in terms they would all understand.  She could use her old Clan of the Cave Bear skills to draw pictures and perform a series of grunts.  You know, the kind of communication that any feral human or Texan could appreciate.  If her efforts were to prove successful, they may even offer to make her an honorary Texan, and give her the key to the city of Dallas.  I’m sure she would politely decline, attempt to make a swift exit, and subsequently be shot in the face by a grunting mob. But that is a whole different story… and the working title for it would be “Daryl Hannah Messed with Texas.”